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America’s Next Top Model is pure television crack. We’re on our whopping ELEVENTH cycle, and even for all the show’s flaws, I can’t stop watching. Whitney may have been crowned ANTM only a few months ago, but it seems that it’s already time for her to step back & make room for the newest crop of bitches struggling to dethrone her. A Sixties/Summer Of Love-themed “teaser” ad was published in this months Vogue, and The CW has released their usual bare-bones promo photos & mini-bios of the new season’s fourteen contestants. Because half the fun of watching ANTM is undoubtedly in the viewership’s picking apart of the contenstants, here’s my take on the fresh meat.

Name: ANALEIGH
Age: 19
Hometown: Sacramento, CA (currently Los Angeles, California)
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: She’s reminiscent of Michelle Trachtenberg. That was my first thought when I saw her in the teaser ad, and her individual shot just clinches it. A little heavy/sloppy on the eyeliner, and the “serious model” face she’s making in her promo shot is kind of ridic, but she’s got promise - her more ungaurded expression in the teaser ad makes her look quite lovely.

Name: BRITTANY
Age: 19
Hometown: Henderson, Nevada
Occupation: Customer Service
My Thoughts: She’s pretty, but there’s something about her that bothers me. It’s petty, but I feel like her skin is really dull - maybe they used a wonky filter or something in post-production, but she looks vaguely jaundiced, or like she’s never exfoliated or something, especially above her upper lip. Maybe I’m just insane. I’ll reserve judgement until I see her in action, I think.

Name: CLARK
Age: 19
Hometown: Pawleys Island, South Carolina (currently Columbia, South Carolina)
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: Normally, my response here would be “generic white bitch” - because Tyra tends to have a few of those every season as filler - but there’s something about Clark that I like. She makes me think Gossip Girl, for some reason, even though I’ve never watched that show. Fresh-faced and privileged… I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but I have high hopes for this one.

Name: ELINA
Age: 19
Hometown: Berdichieve, Ukraine (currently Seattle, Washington)
Occupation: Currently unemployed
My Thoughts: A test tube baby borne of my beloved C9’s Natasha and “on the list of girls I’d question my sexuality for” Transformers starlet Megan Fox. I’m sold.

Name: HANNAH
Age: 19
Hometown: Fairbanks, Alaska
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: She strikes me as the type of model who populates a lot of the high fashion runways - not a star or household name, just one of the faceless bland beauties that just so happens to have a clothes-hanger physique and a face that takes makeup well. I doubt she’ll win, but I have faith that she’d at least be able to get real, not-just-test-shoots work in the fashion industry after her elimination, which is more than a lot of ANTM hamsters can say.

Name: ISIS
Age: 22
Hometown: Prince George’s County, Maryland (currently New York, New York)
Occupation: Program Assistant at a non profit organization.
My Thoughts: Rumours ABOUND about this one. First of all, I’m almost certain that she was one of the “homeless” models from the first shoot of C10 - remember, the one that Jay & Tyra said outshined a few of the contestants? There’s also people claiming that she’s transgendered, citing some MSNBC documentary on the subject that she was featured in. Nobody seems able to prove it, though. Regardless, Tyra will love her; even without the transgender bonus, she’s oh so exploitable, and we all know that Tyra’s not above casting a girl on ANTM solely for the purpose of gaining talk show fodder. At least this one’s pretty…ish. I thought she looked awful in the C9 ep, and her individual photo is meh, but she was one of the girls I instantly favored in the Vogue teaser, so… we’ll see?

Name:JOSLYN
Age: 23
Hometown: Lucky, Louisiana (currently Shreveport, Louisiana)
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: Same situation as Elina, only with C8’s Ebony and C3’s Julie, and, um… an ostrich? That is a long, long neck. Or maybe it’s just the camera angle, who knows, but her face looks so… way up high. Like, shrunken head on top of a normal model’s body or something. So confusing. I’m going to blame their photographer for this one, unless she turns out to be a bonafide circus freak on camera.

Name: LAUREN BRIE
Age: 20
Hometown: Charlottesville, Virginia (currently Radford, Virginia)
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: I’ll be surprised if neither Rich nor Potes/whoever does the TWOP recaps this season doesn’t come up with a cheese-based nickname for her. Also, she looks gross, though in a way that’s sort of questionable, like it could just be a bad angle (much like Joslyn, I’m waiting to pass judgement until I see the premiere).

Name: MARJORIE
Age: 19
Hometown: Marseilles, France (currently San Francisco, California)
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: Anne Hathaway doing Jael cosplay. What the fuck is she wearing?

Name: McKEY
Age: 19
Hometown: Lake Forest, Illinois
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: She’ll be one of the fan favorites, solely because she’s a redhead and you know that nobody’s really done being salty about the way Tyra brushed off C3 Nicole & C6 Mollie Sue. Seriously, since then, any redhead on ANTM automatically gets love from a big portion of the viewing audience, it’s just the rules. She looks totally jaw-y here, but she also seems to have a sort of 90’s supermodel vibe about her. I have faith.

Name: NIKEYSHA
Age: 19
Hometown: Bronx, New York
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: Is this a joke? That’s totally Saleisha’s uglier, more mannish twin. Fuck, their names even rhyme and she’s already rocking the dreaded Tootie hair. What kind of fuckery is this, Tyra?

Name: SAMANTHA
Age: 18
Hometown: Woodland Hills, California
Occupation: Student Athlete
My Thoughts: She’s making a really sour/strange/C10 Kimberly face, but something about her eyes/brow area reminds me of Ann from Cycle 3, and since Ann is one of my all-time favorite hamsters (btw, why the fuck can’t I find Cycle 3 on YouTube anymore? I swear it used to be there, and lately I’ve really been feeling the urge to watch YaYa spit up her umeboshi and yell at fake kente hats, so… wtf?). She’s a student athlete, too… it’d be funny if she was a water polo player, wasn’t that Ann’s thing? Anyhow, I hope she turns out to be as pretty as I think she might.

Name: SHARAUN
Age: 18
Hometown: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: Student
My Thoughts: Um, ew. It’s like a Furonda-Bianca-Brandi conglomeration with Ronald McDonald hair, and I am SO not feeling it.

Name: SHEENA
Age: 21
Hometown: Honolulu, Hawaii (currently Harlem, New York)
Occupation: Hostess/Go-Go Dancer
My Thoughts: Holy shit, you guys, we have an Asian! I was starting to believe that Tyra didn’t believe in Asian models or something, considering we’ve had… what, April (who was only partially Asian and totally robbed, btw), and Gina, who was… awful. Actually, you know what? I have a bad feeling about this. She’s Asian AND she’s a go-go dancer, and you KNOW how much Tyra loathes anyone who has ever done exotic dancing/go-go/stripping/sex work of any kind. If Sheena manages to make past the first few eliminations (which I hope she does, I find her to be really beautiful if a bit nose-y), I can see her being of the Victoria, C9 Lisa, and Katarzyna category, you know, the ones that Tyra is really fakely nice towards while barely masking her total loathing. Tyra has weird jealousy/insecurity issues with smart girls and strippers - if Sheena happens to be both of those on top of being Asian, I predict she’ll be in for a whole load of passive-aggressive bullshit from Ms. Banks. I can see Nigel coming to her rescue, though, which might make me actually like him again for the first time since, oh, Cycle 2.

Anyhow, now that I’ve put all that energy into ranking & rating & judging the girls, I’m sure that almost all of my opinions will get flipped onto their backsides come September 3rd.

If you actually read all of this, let me know how you feel about the new cast!