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On a more personal level, I know that I’ve mentioned a few times in this blog that I have been having increasing problems with my memory and ability to focus long enough to do, well, anything - even fall asleep, if that makes sense. I was put on Adderall a little over a year ago, and when I take it, it helps tremendously: it’s akin to that fuzzy, out-of-range channel at the top of the dial suddenly becoming clear and coherent.

Unfortunately, I have two reservations about my Adderall prescription, both of which I have mentioned before: the fact that I hate the idea of being reliant on amphetamines to be able to think properly, and the fact that it costs upwards of $100 per month to fill my prescription - even when getting generics. This train of thought led me to getting a sort of “trial” prescription for Wellbutrin, which supposedly can help with Adult ADD.

Worst idea of my life. I don’t think that I have ever reacted so violently to any pill; even the time that I tried Lexapro to stabilize my blood pressure and instead just developed an omnipresent pain-to-the-touch in my skin. No, this was much worse. Within about a week and a half, I was not only thrust into crushing depression (I remember my mother carting me around to therapists when I was younger, convinced that I was depressed; I didn’t think I was then, now I know that I wasn’t, because what I have been feeling in the past few weeks was just hopeless and awful and strangling and… completely something that I had never before experienced), but I couldn’t move without excruciating pain shooting through every part of my body. I quickly figured out that somehow my body was so incredibly sensitive to the drug that even being - and I am not exaggerating - 10-15 minutes off of 24 hours between pills would, in essence, leave me crippled: I could only sit in a strange, L-like hunch (as a quick side note, to cure my boredom while my sites were being moved, I took a strange Death Note/Jung combination personality test that labeled me as sharing the INTP personality type with none other than L; although that varies slightly from the other test I took recently that categorized me as INTJ, which this test associated with Near. Since Near - in my opinion - comes off as an arrogant, insufferable jerk, I’m going to just decide to go with INTP instead, ha) with one side of my abdomen constantly curved. And other movement - or taking too deep of a breath - would make me want to scream, it hurt so fucking bad.

Within about three days of this, I made the obvious decision to begin weaning myself off of the Wellbutrin. This ended up taking so much longer than it should have - like, three times longer than I’d even been taking the pills in the first place; sure, I was cutting the pills smaller and smaller each day, then every other day, but still: even a slight difference in the timing of my pill consumption and I would be a physical wreck.

I am on my fourth day without ingesting any of that stupid, stupid pill and while the physical pain is gone, I am still feeling a bit listless and depressed, though much less so than I had been.

What a fucking nightmare.

In other words:

Adderall, I will never, ever cheat on you again =(